A few months ago, a Twitter user shared a since-deleted tweet with her followers. She asked the question:

“I thought weddings were meant to be private? Seems like nowadays everyone wants their wedding to go viral”

It does seem that way, doesn’t it? Because I don’t know about you, but my timeline on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter has been littered with videos of OMG, WTF, LMAO, and ‘claim your friend’ moments at weddings, pre-wedding photo shoots, and after parties.

And the girl who removed her tweet due to backlash, is not the only one commenting on the influx of wedding videos online.

Because it can be annoying. Especially when you’re single, unmarried and your Instagram explore page is looking like BellaNaijaweddings.com.

Or maybe you’re not annoyed. Maybe you belong to the other group of people. Not single and about to be married. You’re nervous/scared because your wedding is coming up in a few months, and everything about it from the food to the venue to the entertainment        (and the groom) is unvirally.

But fear no more. Here are 7 ways to make sure your wedding goes viral and annoys the hell out of people online.

You’re welcome.

1. Cry Like You’re Being Paid To

This is a beautiful wedding entrance, but you probably won’t remember that by the end of the video. What you will remember, is witnessing the type of behaviour that is more African funeral and less the most beautiful day of your life. There were rumours circulating on the Big Bad Web about why he was up there looking like a Michael Jordan meme, but I won’t go into that here. You can watch their explanation video if you want, though it is 24 minutes long and I don’t recommend watching any YouTube videos over 3 minutes unless Beyonce is involved. But do let me know what they say.

The crying groom video was not only all over social, but the Daily Mail, Buzzfeed, Huffington Post, and of course Bella Naija picked it up too.

2. Be Outrageously Black

The Lokko wedding or #LokkedIn, was the definition of lit. From the black power photos to the hashtag and the trailer, it was just everything. Essence Magazine even awarded one of their photos ‘Black Bride Moment of the Day’.

The highlight, of course, was the dance at the afterparty, which is apparently what happens when a Jamaican woman falls in love with a Ghanaian man. Can someone confirm whether the same thing will happen if the female is Ghanaian and the male Jamaican? If so some of you may have a couple of ‘hey stranger’ messages to send.

3. Underperform When Kissing the Bride

Am I the only person who watches Don’t Tell the Bride based on whether the couple is black or not?

Raphael and Ola were one of those couples, and I thoroughly enjoyed the episode. They were cute and awkward, and he messed up her hen do, but it’s the thought that counts right?
No. Actually, it’s the kiss that counts, and Raphael and Ola’s kiss was not a kiss at all. It wasn’t even a peck. Their lips literally just brushed against one another. Apparently, they had never kissed before, which I’m assuming also means they hadn’t engaged in any sexual activity. Very admirable, even if Black Twitter didn’t think so.

The episode inspired a Buzzfeed article featuring some other celibate, black, Christians who went to my University, and who I tried and failed to find on Facebook.

4. Lift up Your ‘Overweight’ Bride-To-Be

I’m not going to sit here and lie and say that I didn’t go “wooow” in my head when I saw the pictures of Ghanaian construction worker Kojo Amoah and his bride to be, Mzznaki Tetteh. What I didn’t do, like the hundreds of other trolls online, is write offensive comments under the pictures. Comments like, “He must have a BIG heart” and “RIP that man’s spine”. Yes, she’s a big girl. But she’s a big girl with a man who is in love with her, and who is strong enough to lift her up and hold her against the wall (one of my fav positions btw).

Kojo Amoah apparently struggling to lift his bride, was such a big deal that it was covered by the BBC, The Metro, Daily Mail, Cosmopolitian, GoodHouseKeeping, Indianexpress, Pulse; literally every news and entertainment publication in the world. Nowadays, Mzznaki not only has a husband, she has over 50.k Instagram followers, her own media manager and some television appearances to add to her website.

Some of us don’t even have 1/4 of those things.

5. Public Cunnilingus?

Honestly, I never knew black people did this. I never knew ANYONE still did this. But yeah, if you’re going to share pictures of yourself with your head up your wife’s dress, there’s a 7/10 chance of it going viral.

I just hope it was fresh down there because weddings can be hot and sticky places.

6. Practice Some Domestic Abuse

What better time to show your newlywed wife that her life will be hell, than on your wedding day.
I don’t know who this couple are, or where they’re from, though what I do know is that he doesn’t play games when it comes to food.

While I was researching this story, I found a number of similar incidents. So maybe it’s like a thing in some countries. Like some reverse Ike and Tina shit, eat the cake and get a beating.

7. Let The Wind Snatch Your Wig

For most women, a wig falling off during a photo shoot is no laughing matter. But Jessica Chinyelu not only laughed, she posted the picture online!
She called the experience ‘liberating’ on her blog, and I’m sure her scalp will agree.

I’ve seen the ‘intended shot‘ before the incident, and I must admit I like the flying wig one better. I probably wouldn’t have posted it myself, but I’m glad she did.
Jessica is available for bookings, now that she’s an inspiration to women. And I’m sure at the end of her speeches, women throw their wigs into the air, shouting “iamnotmyhair” or some other hashtag.

I hope my suggestions have helped. Please feel free to invite me to your weddings, but only if you think they will be good. I will bring attractive girls and in exchange, you have to let my table be served food first.

Follow me on Twitter, sometimes I say funny things and regularly retweet a girl called @CoCoMaiPhillips.